Want to torture yourself for some reason and got two hours to spare? Then go watch last week's episode of SmackDown because it's that bad. I'm one bad episode away from rage-quitting my reviewing duties for the second time this year because I can feel my soul being sucked away every time I'm writing these reviews.
Where do I even begin? You know what, let's just get the attempted murder out of the way. Brandishing a weapon that can actually cut, puncture, or severely injure someone in wrestling will never be cool. Am I supposed to cheer for the guy who sent 25 people scurrying away for their lives because he threw a tantrum with a sword in hand? That's just fucking dumb. How does he keep getting away with this? Can't they see how jarring it is to see an actual dangerous weapon being used casually in a ring? Why not just give Drew a machine gun so he can strike the most fear within the WWE locker room?
And after a commercial break, the man just left "on his own accord." That's just fucking dumb. They couldn't even give us the satisfaction of seeing him walking out like a total loser after endangering the lives of his coworkers? Lame. Why exactly wasn't he part of the match in the first place? Is he getting the Naomi treatment from someone higher than Adam Pearce? And that's another thing, why didn't Adam Pearce book this match himself? He could've just picked 25 names, and yet he had to wait for the list to be handed to him? I thought him and Sonya Deville can book the matches themselves?
After all, Sonya's out here abusing her power for weeks now. Are you telling me they're still just glorified commissioners? I don't even know anymore. And to make things even more confusing, whoever's higher than Adam and Sonya informed Kayla Braxton first about Brock Lesnar's suspension being lifted. It's like they stopped caring at this point. If they're just going to reinstate The Beast after three weeks regardless of what he did, why did they let Adam Pearce suspend him in the first place? And why did they inform Kayla first before the supposed victim of Brock's vicious attack? Dumb.
Now let's go back to the stupid Black Friday Battle Royal for a second. You'd think that after booking Jeff Hardy as strong as possible—even giving him the sole survivor role for Team SmackDown—he'll be next in line for the Universal Championship. After all, SmackDown doesn't even have a legitimate babyface challenger in the roster currently and since they don't want Drew McIntyre involved for some reason, the next viable candidate for an expandable babyface contender is the Charismatic Enigma himself. Of course he's not going to win, but wouldn't it be nice to see him chase gold again?
And for a second there, I thought we're going to get exactly that. They rang the bell and everything! This could've easily saved an already terrible episode, no question. But wouldn't you know it, ringing the bell doesn't necessarily end a match in WWE these days. I didn't even mind that Sami Zayn won it, but I just feel like his current gimmick doesn't need this title shot yet. Isn't more of his style to complain endlessly about not actually being eliminated in the match to feed his conspiracy gimmick? I did enjoy how they cut to Roman Reigns laughing his ass off after seeing Sami win. That shot was amazing.
Hey, look! New faces! I sure look forward to seeing them kick major butts in the coming weeks. Aaaaaaaannnnnnnd they're getting pied in the face and pinned via rollup. WWE sure knows how to build future stars, amirite? God, this is so frustrating it actually hurts. I still don't get why they are so determined to show how less they care about their Superstars not named Roman or Charlotte. Are they expecting the top stars to carry the company for twenty more years? Because I'm pretty sure by that time, they would've fired the rest of the roster and just shuffle ten people in every show.
Just take a look at how they treated Toni Storm this week. I get that Charlotte Flair has to get some heat back after losing to Becky Lynch at Survivor Series, but did they really have to make Toni look stupid in the process? The first pie to the face was fine, but the second one's just stupid. Why did they let her just stand there and get pied like that? Why did they involve pie in the first place? What happened to the good ol' fashioned Charlotte-in-heels beatdown? At least that would give Toni Storm a little dignity in defeat. But nah, they just had to humiliate the new contender, for seemingly no reason.
Back in NXT, I actually thought Ridge Holland could be the next Brock Lesnar. He's huge, he can move, and he has killer entrance music. He's a surefire main roster villain, for sure. Too bad this company just sucks at building up future stars. Ridge didn't even get the decency to come out to his own goddamn music. Instead, he made his debut as Sheamus' short friend and his threat level quickly evaporated. Of course, that wasn't the end of it because he also got pinned by Cesaro via a rollup thingy in under three minutes. Brock Lesnar no more. He must have lost a lot of fistfights back in England.
So where exactly does Ridge Holland go from here? Who the fuck knows? One thing's for sure: we're getting a rematch next week and it will probably end up with another Cesaro rollup or a DQ finish. Both Sheamus and Ridge Holland will beat him up and Mansoor will make the save. And then next next week, we're getting a tag team match with Mansoor rolling up Ridge this time. I know I've said countless times that predictable doesn't necessarily mean boring, but in this case, I really don't have any fucks to give about Ridge Holland and his weird obsession with Sheamus.
And the cherry on top of this crap sundae was Roman Reigns teasing his imminent departure in WWE. I'm not even sure if that's legit or just another sadboi statement. I really hope it's the latter and he's not hiding any health condition. Because who can realistically take his place as SmackDown's centerpiece? Drew McIntyre? Not really. Charlotte Flair? Possible, but highly unlikely. Brock Lesnar? Great, anchor the entire show to the guy who will only show up once every blue moon. There's literally no one else who can match his star power, mainly because WWE never bothered to build one.
FINAL BREAKDOWN: Terrible, just terrible. There's literally nothing to write home about. Repetitive matchups, questionable booking decisions, and ATTEMPTED MURDER. What more can't you ask for? I guess next week's episode will be better than this since Brock Lesnar is scheduled to appear. Because that's the only time they will truly give a shit about delivering a great show these days—when the main attraction's around to play. SmackDown, what have you become?
Header image taken from WWE.com
*****
Ricky Publico (@nyamnyamgarbage) is Smark Henry's seasoned veteran and resident SmackDown reviewer. He's a sucker for well-written promos and fast-paced matches. While he enjoys nitpicking shows, he now prefers enjoying wrestling for what it is instead of stressing himself over things he can't control. He's anxious about the future, now more than ever. His potential haunts him.
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