Maaaan, screw Drew McIntyre. Oh wait, this isn't the RAW review. That's right, it's my happy place as a writer. I'm Ricky Publico, and this is the SmackDown BreakDown.
Because there's only one bearded man with long hair who deserves my unwavering attention: it's the Tribal Chief himself, Roman Reigns. I love how my SmackDown reviews are basically just me explaining what's going on with his life, speculating what he's going to do next, and siding with him in almost all the things he says. And this week's review won't be any different, mind you. So if you somehow hate what's going on with the Blue Brand's top storyline, then move along because I don't want to be friends with you anyway. For the majority of you, let's get going.
So what's the Head of the Table up to this week? Well, not much, just babysitting his cousins as they try to win the SmackDown Tag Team Championships, no biggie. Jimmy Uso really wanted to win the tag titles for the family, so what can you do? At least Roman Reigns gave them the chance to do the deed, despite the implied lack of confidence. Alas, the twins got screwed by a referee mistake and they failed to win because of a referee mistake, but that doesn't matter in the slightest. They still failed, and that's why the Universal Champion got royally pissed and decided to destroy Rey and Dominik Mysterio. Any questions?
C'mon, you know what's coming next: I freaking love it! You have to love all the small details that justify the big moments. From Roman Reigns deliberately mixing up Jimmy and Jey to prove his point to the way the referee positioned himself so he wouldn't see Jimmy's right shoulders, these are the moments that make for great television. This style of storytelling is what SmackDown is made of and what RAW can't figure out to do in their dumbass three-hour show. No matter how good the wrestling is, they will never survive without compelling story elements backing it up. Remember that.
And what about the beatdown after the main event? Roman Reigns came out looking like a proper beast by destroying Rey Mysterio and obliterating poor Dominik Mysterio. That's another thing Roman has mastered: the art of selling a proper beatdown without the help of blood. Did your stomach churn when he was pulverizing his poor victim with a barrage of elbows? I sure did. It's amazing how Dominik have already taken some brutal beatings from the biggest names in WWE today. But more importantly, it places the Mysterios as the next potential contenders to the Universal Championship. That probably confused everyone on RAW. What do you mean Roman Reigns still doesn't have a contender two weeks away from a PPV? *clutches pearls*
But if there's one thing to nitpick, it's that the main event beatdown could've been saved for next week. I mean c'mon, Rey and Dominik were about to leave the building. If I was about to leave my office and my boss stopped me and said, "Hey, buck-o! Go back to your fucking seat and write more fucking articles about credit cards and loans, you fat fuck!" I'll be pissed and confused as to why I was suddenly working for Peter Capaldi. They could've headlined next week's episode and the impact would be the same. What are they going to do now to fill the next two episodes before Hell in a Cell?
Because it looks like they're not going with Roman Reigns vs. Jimmy Uso one year after Jey did the same thing and the Mysterios aren't sure contenders yet. So maybe let your stories burn slow and don't add too much good stuff on every episode? Apollo Crews and Kevin Owens could've headlined this week. We could've given those extra minutes to Shinsuke Nakamura and Baron Corbin. Look, I know I sound ungrateful, but there's no need for the Roman Reigns family drama to hog all the airtime just to build a great show. There are other people on the roster, you know. Don't overdo it, that's all I ask.
Moving on to the more superior yet shallow women's division in the main roster, we have another stellar promo by Bianca Belair and the cackling Bayley. And while it's a standard babyface move for the champion to challenge an annoying rival, I do appreciate the SmackDown Women's Champion's reasoning for making the move—because the laughing has started to get to her. What we thought was an annoying trait just became the center of a rivalry and it makes perfect sense. To be fair, Bayley's laugh is really annoying. Not as annoying as Sasha Banks's fake laugh, but annoying enough to be considered good heel work.
And just like the masterful heel that she is, Bayley doubled down on the laugh by telegraphing it across all the screens in the ThunderDome. This resulted in a wonderful visual that could've closed the show if it wasn't for the Dominik beatdown over there. Aside from cementing yet another Bayley moment, it also made me wonder why non-supernatural heels don't use ThunderDome screens more often to add gravitas to their segments. Also, I just hate how Bayley's Oasis is just a small room plastered with pictures of her championship wins printed by a printer slowly losing its ink. Damn, the budget cuts are real.
FINAL BREAKDOWN: Props to SmackDown for yet another superb episode, but they probably shouldn't reveal their hand too much on a weekly basis. We get it, SmackDown, you're the A-show right now, but you need to chill out and not pack too much stuff into one show. Trust your roster to carry the show for you alongside Roman Reigns because given the right tools, they can easily do that without overusing your main attraction. Other than that and the women's division that is clearly in shambles, SmackDown's still looking good as always.
Show Grade: B
BreakDown Thoughts That Don't Wear $4,000 Watches
- They finally threw Apollo Crews a bone by giving him an actual proper win. Well, was that too fucking hard? Sure, Azeez had to rough him up a bit, but that's exactly how you should use a bodyguard—have him help you win. Brilliant, Apollo. This was literally the first impressive title defense you've had. Now go be smart about using Commander Azeez next time so you won't look like the proper stooge in your own push.
- The women's division of SmackDown really took a blow with the loss of Ruby Riott. Aside from losing a tag team, they also lost a talented wrestler overall. If they can fire anyone just like that, should we still invest time in anyone stuck in the midcard? Should we still expect Mia Yim to actually wrestle on SmackDown? They'll probaby just release her in a few months along with her equally talented husband. Smh
- C'mon, WWE. Stop teasing us and just set up a new King of the Ring tournament already. As much as I love Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Baron Corbin for the nth time (okay, maybe I don't), we can't just have them chasing over a stupid crown. Also, let it be known that the highlight of this storyline so far is Pat McAfee losing his mind on commentary. He really made that Nakamura vs. Corbin video package pop.
*****
Ricky Publico (@nyamnyamgarbage) is Smark Henry's seasoned veteran and resident main roster reviewer. He's a sucker for well-written promos and fast-paced matches. While he enjoys nitpicking shows, he now prefers enjoying wrestling for what it is instead of stressing himself over things he can't control. He's anxious about the future, now more than ever. His potential haunts him.
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