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    Wednesday, June 2, 2021

    The RAW RhetoRick (5/31/21): Screw Drew McIntyre

    Maaaan, screw Drew McIntyre. I'm Ricky Publico reporting back to active duty (what is my life), and this is the RAW RhetoRick.

    Obviously, I'm not attacking Drew McIntyre, the real-life person. He seems like a genuinely cool dude, and he's generally respected by everyone in the wrestling industry. What I'm sick of is his character in the WWE canon: the selfish, entitled asshole with an incredibly short attention span. Do I even need to point out how bad it looks that he and Adam Pearce, two white men, screwed over Kofi Kingston, a Black man who was the rightful contender, to begin with, after pinning the WWE Champion? Elias and Ryker even got their tag title shot after the latter pinned AJ Styles in a singles match. Explain that, motherfuckers. 

    How the fuck is Vince McMahon still booking his top babyface the same way that soured John Cena and Roman Reigns in the eyes of the fans? How many times do we have to teach this lesson to you, old man? Watching Drew McIntyre cut the same promo every week about his sacrifices and his love for the business makes me nauseous. Really, Drew? You love the business that much? If you're such an honorable guy, how about you have the decency to go back to the end of the line and have other deserving people get their shot? Why can't Kofi Kingston have multiple stabs at the top prize? He hasn't even received a proper rematch yet for the WWE title he lost in under a minute. 

    It doesn't even matter if Drew McIntyre wins or loses at Hell in a Cell. Were they waiting for live crowds to witness him win the WWE Championship? Because they already got the chance at WrestleMania 37, and they chose not to go with it. Mind you, Drew lost all his previous title matches fair and square. So what's the narrative satisfaction of seeing him win at Hell in a Cell after being beaten resoundingly in the last two PPVs? And if he did lose, how can they justify keeping him in the title picture in the next PPV? I really hope Jinder Mahal, or literally, anyone distracts him from winning since that's basically Drew McIntyre's big weakness. Such a formidable hero, this Drew guy is. 

    It's even worse in the women's division. Why is Nikki Cross suddenly the focus of the Charlotte Flair vs. Rhea Ripley rivalry? It's so dumb! Are they really expecting Nikki to get over out of technicality wins? And now she gets a title opportunity after surviving for two minutes. What a deserving contender she's become. What the hell are they doing with this storyline? They should be dropping pipebombs against each other right now. You know, the way Charlotte attacked Rhea the night after WrestleMania? They should be digging through their rivalry back in NXT and the real-life repercussions it caused on Rhea Ripley's mental health. That's a red-hot storyline right there!

    But nah, let's dick around with Miz and John Morrison, and let's struggle to beat Nikki Cross in under two fucking minutes. Once again, the RAW Women's Champion is the afterthought of her storyline, and at this point, I'm tired of complaining. Let's just accept it: they have nothing for Rhea Ripley. I really don't get it: is it that hard to make her look credible as the top champion? She already looks the part. Why can't they make her be the part? She should be slicing through Nikki Cross, and she should be dropping the mic more often as the anti-hero of the women's division. Is that too much to ask?

    CLOSING RHETORICK: This week's episode made me decide to end my RAW column. It's that bad, and it's been bad for a very long time. It took a recent death in our family to make me realize how short life really is. You shouldn't keep doing things you don't enjoy, so as much as I enjoy writing diatribes and being a sarcastic asshole, I can't keep torturing myself every week watching this garbage. Don't worry. You can still check out my SmackDown reviews. So yeah, that's it for me. See you this weekend? 

    Show Grade: DREW SUCKS

    RhetoRickal Statements That Can't Beat Nikki Cross in Two Minutes

    • So my thoughts on Jimmy Smith? He's aight, which is the best you could expect from a play-by-play commentator. He sounds professional enough, his references are at the very least appropriate to the situation, his wrestling knowledge is passable at best, and he banters well with the other commentators. He's an upgrade over Adnan Virk, that's for sure. Let's just wait until they force him to scream every time he sees a wrestling move. 

    • I'm not even surprised Reginald defeated Shayna Baszler. Of course, they would humiliate her in any way, shape, or form. I'm pretty sure they will never stop until she's nothing. And now she's set to be fed to a stupid doll. Nah, I give up. I can't do this every week. 
    • Also, I'm pretty sure Drew McIntyre implied that having a family is a distraction from achieving your goals. Yes, because you can't win anything in life when you have kids. That's how dumb his character is. Ladies and gentlemen, the face of the company. Dumbass. 

    • Thank heavens for RK-Bro, the light at the middle of the tunnel every week on RAW. Riddle and Randy Orton's backstage segments always hit the spot without it being too corny, and when they step into the ring, it's always a delight. For some reason, Randy hitting a finish other than his own was so cool. I actually felt proud of Riddle. Why can't the rest of the show be this good?

    Header image taken from WWE.com


    Ricky Publico (@nyamnyamgarbage) is Smark Henry's seasoned veteran and resident main roster reviewer. He's a sucker for well-written promos and fast-paced matches. While he enjoys nitpicking shows, he now prefers enjoying wrestling for what it is instead of stressing himself over things he can't control. He's anxious about the future, now more than ever. His potential haunts him.

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    Item Reviewed: The RAW RhetoRick (5/31/21): Screw Drew McIntyre Rating: 5 Reviewed By: Ricky Jay Publico
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