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    Wednesday, May 5, 2021

    The RAW RhetoRick (5/3/21): Eva-lution? More Like Eva-cuate!

    Alright, alright. I know why you’re all here. No, you're not interested in whatever's happening with the WWE Championship scene. You just want to talk about that return, right? So yeah, let's talk about it. I'm Ricky Publico, and this is the RAW RhetoRick. 

    We're talking about the return of AJ Styles and Omos, right? Yeah, they finally appeared on TV after winning the tag titles a month ago. It's so weird to see them return when they weren't even mentioned once during their absence. They didn't even bother cutting a promo from their vacation spot or photoshopping m actually partying because of course they didn't. This is RAW we're talking about. 

    But fine, I guess they're back now and at least they had the decency to explain why they were absent for a long time. What I didn't appreciate was the atrocious verbal back-and-forth between them and the New Day. Where exactly are Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods getting the nerves to declare that they are going to reclaim their titles after Omos already manhandled them with ease at WrestleMania?

    It's not like they changed their strategy going into this rematch. Nope! All they had was isolate AJ Styles and hope for the best. Yes, because that worked a month ago. The match wasn't that bad though. If anything, it once again showcased Omos as the giant that he is and it works like a charm. I just don't think it's necessary to paint New Day as delusional babyfaces who believe their own hype.

    And before we move on, I just have to nitpick Omos a bit and his excessive grunting. He blurts out a grunt in every move that I just end up wondering if he's just trying to sound more monstrous or he's really struggling that hard to execute an Irish Whip. You don't need to overdo it, Omos. You already look like a monster. Just do your thing and stop worrying about how you're being perceived. 

    Or are we talking about John Morrison's return to in-ring action? Because that's a huge deal for me. His wacky-ass one-liners are a million times more entertaining than this Damian Priest vs. Miz rivalry. “America’s Moist Wanted?” Johnny Drip Drip should be running RAW. And by the way, why is Damian Priest still hanging around with The Miz and JoMo? Did someone tell him Bad Bunny already left?

    After helping out his buddy Bad Bunny, shouldn't he just move on and carve a path of his own on RAW? Instead, he's out here reminding everyone that he once tagged with an award-winning artist. What exactly are they doing with Damian Priest? What even is his beef with The Miz at this point? Is it because Miz was taking credit for Bad Bunny's in-ring debut? That warranted a month-long rivalry?

    I don't even know, man. I just hate the fact that RAW can't seem to book an episode without copying a huge chunk of last week's show. At least there were no tomatoes involved.  I'm just bored with this storyline when I should be excited whenever Damian Priest shoots his invisible arrows to the LED screen. Chalk this one out to RAW ruining another NXT prospect. It's so useless being in the main roster.

    Oh, we're surely talking about the return of Third Wheel Charlotte Flair, right? Because that's pretty huge too for all the wrong reasons. Don't get me wrong, she totally needs to be part of that triple threat. I just hate how they're taking the focus away from Rhea Ripley and putting it all on a version of Charlotte Flair we have all learned to hate unironically. 

    What a heatless triple threat. They could’ve had heat two weeks ago by introducing unhinged Charlotte Flair but then they immediately extinguished that small hint of spark by reverting her back to regular entitled Flair. Creative ruined the one woman who can elevate their current champion and to make it worse, they set the champion aside to center the rivalry around her being the authority figure's favorite. 

    As a result, they left Rhea Ripley a hapless character with no legs to stand on. At this point, Charlotte might as well fold Rhea into an airplane because she’s that thin of a paper champion. What exactly did Rhea Ripley contribute to this storyline other than carrying the goddamn title on her shoulders? Oh yeah, she aligned herself with heels last week for some reason. I guess that’s something. 

    And you don’t need to ask what Asuka’s doing in this scenario because according to Creative, she probably doesn’t know, either. But hey, she can scream like a mofo. That’s good enough for them. Can't wait for her to take the pin at WrestleMania Backlash and let her float in midcard limbo until they ship her back to SmackDown or NXT. Okay, you know what, that's not a bad idea at all. Please do that. 

    Oh, of course. You're expecting me to talk about the return of Eva Marie, aren't you? Man, I don't even know. I can’t find the strength to participate in the joke that she's the greatest creation on Earth and that she's the best thing to happen since Sliced Bread #2. It baffles me that Mickie James, Billie Kay, and Peyton Royce got fired and Eva-lution over here is wasting precious airtime with a generic promo.

    What, is she suddenly a TakeOver-worthy talent now? Can she now do a Springboard 450 Splash or a Canadian Destroyer? Can she now cut passionate shoot-bordering promos on a random RAW Talk episode? I need to know what she has that the people who got fired a few weeks ago lack. But really, if she doesn't rehash her wardrobe malfunction gimmick, then what’s the point of life, even?

    CLOSING RHETORICK: While SmackDown’s out here delivering big fights and blockbuster main events, RAW is out here flipping coins to book a match and men shoving roses up each other’s butts. That’s really all you need to know about the sorry state of RAW. Now if you’ll excuse me, I'll be manifesting the giant fist into reality for this week's Throwback SmackDown. Let me focus.

    Show Grade: SUCKS

    RhetoRickal Statements That Got Roses Stuck Up Their Bums

    • It’s really not that hard to love RK-Bro. Just look around, what else is there to love? Anything that moves the needle in this wretched place will earn all the praises from me. At this point, their hilarious and unexpected chemistry is good enough for me. I can’t wait to see them strike their respective pose simulteanously after winning the RAW Tag Team Championships. 
    • Holy shit, Shayna Baszler actually putting someone to sleep and winning a match? Man, RAW really pulled out all the stops this week. Best episode, 10 out of 10, will watch again. 

    • Oh great, Cedric Alexander and Shelton Benjamin broke up. Fantastic. I guess it’s back to 205 Live for you, Cedric, and see you at Dynamite soon, Shelton. 

    • Remember Mansoor? I don’t. But hey, welcome to RAW, I guess. Sorry about losing your 49-win streak, apparently. 

    Header image taken from WWE.com


    Ricky Publico (@nyamnyamgarbage) is Smark Henry's seasoned veteran and resident main roster reviewer. He's a sucker for well-written promos and fast-paced matches. While he enjoys nitpicking shows, he now prefers enjoying wrestling for what it is instead of stressing himself over things he can't control. He's anxious about the future, now more than ever. His potential haunts him.

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    Item Reviewed: The RAW RhetoRick (5/3/21): Eva-lution? More Like Eva-cuate! Rating: 5 Reviewed By: Ricky Jay Publico
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