Watching RAW these days is like getting stuck in Manila traffic—it takes hours to get to your destination and yet you never feel like you're moving anywhere. It's also similar to enduring a never-ending nightmare that irritates you into waking up in the middle of the night. Take it from me, I haven't had a good night's sleep in a long time. I'm Ricky Publico, and this is the RAW RhetoRick.
I don't even know where to begin at this point. Do I talk about the bland WWE Championship scene? Do I try and dissect Miz vs. Damian Priest? Do I complain about the flavorless Charlotte Flair, Rhea Ripley, and Asuka? Do I continue to ignore Alexa Bliss and her stupid-ass puppet? Do I welcome back the returnee? I'm asking because I feel like I already did it last week and I didn't enjoy it one bit.
But fine, I might as well explain what I don't like about this whole thing with Bobby Lashley, Drew McIntyre, and Braun Strowman. Basically, I just hate how directionless this storyline is. Where is this story going? I literally have no reason to cheer for the good guys or boo the bad guy. They just exist for the sake of it. I'll be damned if I find someone who's actually excited to see this triple threat happen.
Don't you just hate how repetitive it is? They keep doing the same promos and matches week after week that you just end up not caring about it. For example, MVP always has the same strategy and it never works: he always wants someone to injure Drew McIntyre weeks before the PPV. It didn't work last month at WrestleMania. Where is he getting the confidence in his go-to business strategy?
And how many times have you seen Drew McIntyre lose a match because he got distracted by someone else's music? I distinctly remember him picking up a win against Randy Orton a few months ago by hitting the Claymore on a Fiend-distracted opponent. Where the hell is that crafty version of Drew? Why are they so hell-bent in making him look dumb? Didn't he just write a goddamn book?
Don't even get me started with Braun Strowman. Aside from cutting the same hoarse promo and telling MVP to scram, what else did Braun contribute to the story? And how exactly will this storyline advance his career when he inevitably lose this Monday (Manila time) at WrestleMania Backlash? Wait, that PPV is this weekend? So this was the go-home show? God, this show is so pathetic, it actually hurts.
Speaking of go-home show, have we actually heard the thoughts of RAW Women's Champion Rhea Ripley? I don't remember her or Asuka cutting a promo to hype up their upcoming match. Meanwhile, Charlotte Flair already had three chances to state her case and establish herself as the most important element of this storyline. She might as well win the title again and no one would notice.
I don't actually want to see Rhea Ripley and Asuka wrestle again because they barely have any chemistry. They could've just skipped the rematch and just let Rhea Ripley cut her first on-screen promo since winning the RAW Women's Championship. You know, a promo that will actually paint a better picture of what kind of character she is? Is that too much to ask? For RAW, it actually is.
Am I supposed to cream my pants because Jinder Mahal returned this week with a new posse? Jeez, it's like RAW really wants their fans to suffer every week. Wasn't Eva Marie signaling the return of the Divas Era last week enough suffering? Now we have to deal with another boring iteration of the same bland gimmick. It baffles me that he technically beat a former WWE Champion clean as a whistle.
And how exactly can I take Veer and Shanky seriously when they didn't even do anything to help Jinder Mahal win? They just stood there and clapped their hands. Remember when the Singh Brothers helped Jinder score a world title shot four years ago? They were far more efficient than Veer and Shanky over here. Pathetic.
Why reveal Indus Sher (They're only half of Indus Sher. —Ed.) now when you don't have anything for them to do? Isn't it better to debut them as wrecking machines instead of glorified assistants to a clearly capable Jinder Mahal? I'd rather see them destroying Jinder Mahal's enemies in a shock reveal than have them hang around at ringside like some jabronis. Again, great job killing new prospects before they even step foot in the ring, RAW. Fuck you.
CLOSING RHETORICK: At this point, you need to be in the right state of mind to watch RAW because you'll really need to endure a lot just to get to the good stuff. Unless you're like me who is required to review the show, just stick to the YouTube highlights because I can't see any light at the end of this never-ending tunnel of repetitive shows. Seriously, just wait another day to watch NXT or something. Don't watch RAW. Take care of yourself more often.
Show Grade: LET THIS NIGHTMARE END
RhetoRickal Statements That
- Despite all the trying-hard-to-be-creepy promos, I love how Alexa Bliss and Lily are basically taking a page from Mind Games for Dummies 101. Even The Fiend didn't bother himself with just standing there and watching others wrestle. When he wanted to make his presence known, he'll just appear and strike. Did they even learn anything from hanging out with Bray Wyatt?
- Are you telling me Omos can't even squeeze a goddamn tomato that they had to pre-cut it? As the guy trying his hardest to look like a monster, it's a terrible look for our favorite giant.
- Yes, thank you for keeping Randy Orton's character consistent even when he's currently paired with a comical tag team partner. Of course he won't be casual or civil with a former rival. Remember his history with Kofi Kingston? Great job respecting history right there. This is why RK-Bro is the only thing worth tuning in RAW for.
- Are they really expecting Sheamus to emulate the legendary John Cena weekly invitational? Then they better realize that what made it work was that Cena actually faced new competitors every week and not the same upstart for four weeks straight. Humberto Carillo even took a terrible landing trying to execute a needlessly brutal spot. Please don't hurt yourselves on a shitty RAW episode.
Header image taken from WWE.com
*****
Ricky Publico (@nyamnyamgarbage) is Smark Henry's seasoned veteran and resident main roster reviewer. He's a sucker for well-written promos and fast-paced matches. While he enjoys nitpicking shows, he now prefers enjoying wrestling for what it is instead of stressing himself over things he can't control. He's anxious about the future, now more than ever. His potential haunts him.
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