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    Friday, April 9, 2021

    Smark Henry RhetoRickal Predictions: WrestleMania Two Swords

    Are you ready for the Show of Shows? I'm Ricky Publico, and this is Smark Henry's RhetoRickal Predictions for WrestleMania 37. Yes, I'm in charge now since I'm the last reviewer standing here on this humble website. I've seen people come and try to steal my spotlight, but no one can topple my unbeatable reviewing skills and unquestionable delusions of grandeur. It's been a while since I've done one of these, so let's just get down to it. Let's see if we can predict the events of WrestleMania Two Swords.

    Triple Threat Match for the WWE Universal Championship: Daniel Bryan vs. Edge vs. Roman Reigns (c) (w/ Paul Heyman and Jey Uso)

    My Pick to Win: Roman Reigns
    Who Will Most Likely Win: Edge

    I'm so relieved that the best matchup of WrestleMania 37 will main event the entire show. Sure, the journey to get here wasn't perfect, but these three men's intertwining stories still made for the best-told arc in WWE today. And even if you disregard the storyline aspect, the amount of star power involved is enough to justify its placement on the card. If you're not hyped to see two former retirees and a two-time leukemia survivor overcome health-related tragedies and successfully restart their careers, you're a terrible person, and we can't be friends. 

    As for the winner, I actually want to see Roman Reigns conquer two of the most beloved wrestlers today. His revamped character needs a career-defining moment to solidify its legacy. Just imagine the heat he'll receive from the limited crowd at Raymond James Stadium after he dominates D-Bry and Edge in a hard-fought battle. D-Bry already had his moment at WrestleMania XXX, and while they're seemingly setting everything up for an Edge win, it's time for Roman Reigns to receive a 'Mania moment that everyone will actually appreciate.

    WWE Championship Match: Drew McIntyre vs. Bobby Lashley (c) (w/ MVP)

    My Pick to Win: Drew McIntyre
    Who Will Most Likely Win: Drew McIntyre

    Well, if Creative spent the last few weeks devaluing Bobby Lashley as a monster champion, why else would I root for him? I can't roll my eyes further for how obvious this match's outcome is, and I'm really glad this won't be the main event of Night 1. If the idea is to recreate Drew's crowning moment, only this time with actual fans to cheer for him, they will certainly succeed. I just hate how they had to ruin The All Mighty in the process. Why can't he overcome the entire Hurt Business? Why did Lashley and MVP have to kick Cedric and Shelton out two weeks before 'Mania? Wouldn't that be a better heroic comeback story?

    SmackDown Women's Championship Match: Bianca Belair vs. Sasha Banks

    My Pick to Win: Bianca Belair
    Who Will Most Likely Win: Bianca Belair

    Aren't you glad they didn't add Charlotte Flair? Sasha Banks vs. Bianca Belair sounds like a banger of a match on paper if only Creative gave them a proper storyline to work with. But the fact that they will main event Night 1 seems like a good apology to me. All is forgiven, Creative. I honestly don't have a preference between the Boss and the EST. I just picked Bianca Belair because she's the one poised for a push, and losing here won't do any favors for her fledgling career. Now let's go witness history, shall we?

    RAW Women's Championship Match: Rhea Ripley vs. Asuka (c)

    My Pick to Win: Rhea Ripley
    Who Will Most Likely Win: Rhea Ripley

    On the opposite side of the spectrum, Asuka vs. Rhea Ripley is the worst-built match on the card (yes, worse than Shane McMahon vs. Braun Strowman). Aside from the rushed setup, Creative had the audacity to copy the ever-reliable trope of forcing rivals to team up, most recently used by Sasha and Bianca just a few weeks prior. Big yikes. There's no way Rhea Ripley could lose at this point because it would totally derail her fragile main roster debut. Sorry Asuka, you'll get your WrestleMania moment someday.

    Nigerian Drum Fight for the WWE Intercontinental Championship: Apollo Crews vs. Big E (c)

    My Pick to Win: Apollo Crews
    Who Will Most Likely Win: Big E

    I was already hyped to see these two go biblical on each other at the Show of Shows. And now they're adding an equally awesome stipulation? I'll pay twice if I could! If they could just capture the vibe of that awesome waterfall fight from Black Panther and keep everything racially sensitive, then this could potentially steal the show. As for the winner, it would be embarrassing if Apollo Crews loses on his supposed home turf. This also frees Big E to chase the WWE Championship, so everybody wins.

    Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn (w/ Logan Paul and possibly Jake Paul)

    My Pick to Win: Kevin Owens
    Who Will Most Likely Win: Kevin Owens

    If you have the Logan brothers in your corner, you'll surely end up losing. That's why Kevin Owens is my pick! But in all seriousness, this match is already the sleeper hit going in. Steenerico stans will surely enjoy seeing them share the WrestleMania stage, and casual fans will come to appreciate the story they've told in under three weeks. There's still time to do this, but I really hope they add Sami's embarrassing loss to his documentary because I still want to see Sami's conspiracy gimmick end on an inspiring note.

    Cesaro vs. Seth Rollins

    My Pick to Win: Cesaro
    Who Will Most Likely Win: Cesaro

    This is probably the easiest match to predict because there's no way Cesaro is losing this one. Seth Rollins is such a huge star already that he can afford to lose a WrestleMania match or two if it means he can make his real-life buddy look like a million bucks. This is now or never for the Swiss Cyborg, and if they don't strike while the iron is hot, they might as well release him right there and then. Seriously, this is a no-brainer. I also predict Cesaro will mega swing Seth for a record-breaking 100 times. Book it, Vince!

    Damian Priest and Bad Bunny vs. The Miz and John Morrison

     

    My Pick to Win: The Miz and John Morrison
    Who Will Most Likely Win: Damian Priest and Bad Bunny

    Let me tell you where I am. We are all living vicariously through Bad Bunny. A superfan who gets to debut in the ring at WrestleMania? That's the dream! But in the end, the actual wrestlers should get all the glory. So while wrestling logic points to the babyfaces picking up the win, I actually want Miz and JoMo to use all the shenanigans they know to win the match. Don't forget that Miz is the only two-time Grand Slam Champion. Hate him or not, he deserves more than to job for a celebrity, no matter how big of a fan he is. 

    WWE United States Championship Match: Sheamus vs. Riddle (c)

    My Pick to Win: Sheamus
    Who Will Most Likely Win: Riddle

    I want to call this the White Dudes Slapping the Shit Out of Each Other Match. This is one of those random matches they added just because, but I'm excited to see it nonetheless. We've seen these two go at it before just last year on SmackDown, and their rivalry slaps, pun intended. As for the winner, Sheamus has to bag the title, right? The man turned heel and wrestled hard-hitting matches back-to-back for nothing. I'd like to think WWE would reward him with something for all his efforts. But yeah, I'm pretty sure Vince is still high on Riddle. Best. Pun. Ever. 

    RAW Tag Team Championship Match: AJ Styles & Omos vs. The New Day (Xavier Woods & Kofi Kingston) (c)

    My Pick to Win: AJ Styles & Omos
    Who Will Most Likely Win: The New Day

    If Omos doesn't bust out a 450 or Phoenix Splash, then what's the point of giving him a WrestleMania in-ring debut? Kidding aside, this sounds like a fun tag match. Yeah, they didn't build it that much, but the mystery of Omos really makes this match more interesting than it probably will be. I also want to see AJ Styles become a Grand Slam Champion, effectively normalizing the goal of becoming one in the future. But I'm pretty sure The New Day will figure out a way to isolate the giant and retain their gold. I just know it.

    The Fiend (w/ Alexa Bliss) vs. Randy Orton

    My Pick to Win: I Don't Care
    Who Will Most Likely Win: No One

    Man, do I really need to say something about this match? I've watched every episode of RAW since last year, and even I don't know what exactly these two are fighting for. And now The Fiend looks like shit now? I don't know, and I really don't care. I just want this storyline to end and let other people from the roster tell better stories than this pretentious clusterfuck. Can they just burn each other or something?

    Steel Cage Match: Braun Strowman vs. Shane McMahon

    My Pick to Win: Shane McMahon
    Who Will Most Likely Win: Braun Strowman

    I love how Creative ruined this storyline for me by giving Braun Strowman way too much time to make himself look good. It's only entertaining when Shane McMahon is dunking on Braun on a weekly basis. I really hope they recreate the ending of No Way Out 2005 where JBL got chokeslammed straight to the canvas, allowing him to escape under the ring through a hole on the mat. But I just know they're going to give Train Man over here a big babyface moment. The biggest bully wins in the end. Great message.

    Tag Team Turmoil Match where the Winner Will Face Shayna Baszler & Nia Jax on Night 2: Naomi & Lana vs. Dana Brooke & Mandy Rose vs. The Riott Squad (Liv Morgan & Ruby Riott) vs. Natalya & Tamina

    My Pick to Win: Naomi & Lana
    Who Will Most Likely Win: Natalya & Tamina

    Can we go back to the gimmick where Lana just wins without doing most of the work? I really miss that gimmick. Anyway, I'm pretty sure Natalya and Tamina are the team to beat, based on how they've been booked for the past few weeks. Natalya deserves to be a Grand Slam Champion, and Tamina definitely needs this brand new boost she's been getting lately. I do hope they add Carmella and Billie Kay in there somewhere. Oh, Bayley needs to be in here so she can earn her WrestleMania paycheck.

    Editor's Prediction: No matter who wins Tag Team Turmoil, Nia Jax and Shayna Baszler are retaining their Women's Tag Team Championships.

    Fatal 4-Way Tag Team Match for the SmackDown Tag Team Championship Match: The Street Profits (Angelo Dawkins & Montez Ford) vs. Rey Mysterio & Dominik Mysterio vs. Alpha Academy (Otis & Chad Gable) vs. Dolph Ziggler & Bobby Roode (c) 

    My Pick to Win: Rey Mysterio & Dominik Mysterio
    Who Will Most Likely Win: The Street Profits

    It's a shame this match got relegated to the SmackDown WrestleMania pre-show, but it is what it is. This should at least headline tomorrow because it will be a hellacious four-way. As for my pick, I want to see the Mysterios win it all as a feel-good moment to send us home for WrestleMania. But if they're not going for the feels, I want the dominating Alpha Academy to trample everyone. I love the Street Profits as much as the next guy, but this doesn't feel like their moment at all. Let other teams enjoy the spotlight for once.

    Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

    My Pick to Win: Shinsuke Nakamura
    Who Will Most Likely Win: Jey Uso

    On the other hand, this match should open tomorrow's SmackDown WrestleMania pre-show because it's still a fun match despite being completely useless. I really hope they give the win to Shinsuke Nakamura after giving us false hope that he'll be the one getting a big push this year. Sure, I'm glad Cesaro got the rub instead, but I just need Nakamura to win something. But they're probably going to give Jey Uso the nod to reward him for headlining every SmackDown episode for the past few months. Not a bad move, really.

    *****

    And that wraps up my predictions for WrestleMania 36 Year 2! Do you agree with everything I just said? Are you willing to bet good money to counter my predictions? Do you think you can do better? Do you think you're better than me? Okay, you probably are. Feel free to share your own thoughts, and I hope you're as excited as me to experience this year's WrestleMania weekend. It may not feel like one, but a full weekend of nothing but wrestling is still worth waking up in the morning for.

    *****

    Ricky Publico (@nyamnyamgarbage) is Smark Henry's seasoned veteran and resident main roster reviewer. He's a sucker for well-written promos and fast-paced matches. While he enjoys nitpicking shows, he now prefers enjoying wrestling for what it is instead of stressing himself over things he can't control. He's anxious about the future, now more than ever. His potential haunts him.

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    Item Reviewed: Smark Henry RhetoRickal Predictions: WrestleMania Two Swords Rating: 5 Reviewed By: Ricky Jay Publico
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