Wait, this isn't my column. I'm just glad I'm not the only one who came to the wrong show. I'm Ricky Publico, and this is the RAW Rhe... er, SmackDown BreakDown.
But I have to say, it feels good to be back on SmackDown, even if I'm just moonlighting for yo boy Jacob. And there's no better way to kickstart my return than seeing the floating 3D graphic of Roman Reigns having an orgasm. The Tribal Chief came out and talked about how he makes everyone relevant before he was rudely interrupted by RAW's Drew McIntyre. A hilarious promo ensued.
I know they intended to make McIntyre look like a conquering hero, but he just came off as an entitled asshole. Like, here we have Roman Reigns making valid points about what he's actually done and then we have McIntyre waltzing in with his empty threats. Yeah, you beat Brock Lesnar in five minutes, good for you. Yeah, you were the man when Reigns was gone, good for you. I get it, everyone should beat their own drum, but it's just funny how the non-champion is the one tooting his own horn.
And we're supposed to root for the guy? Yeah, good job painting the supposed top babyface as a delusional maniac. Reigns had the perfect response to McIntyre's "audition" by basically dismissing it. If you think about it, Reigns beat Lesnar, too. And McIntyre's point of being the man because Reigns left is now moot because, as the Tribal Chief eloquently said, "I'm back now." And the ultimate putdown? Reigns coldly said no one watches RAW. "You're not missing much!" Good one, Paul.
Things started to go sour when Jey Uso arrived. Yikes. I still don't get why he quickly aligned himself with Reigns. Is he a heel now? Is he still conflicted? Is he blinded by his own hype after headlining two SmackDown episodes in a row? I honestly don't get what Jey's trying to tell us here. He still has this reluctant vibe around him, but at the same time he's so willing to do Reigns' bidding. Maybe he's just a terrible actor? Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it? I don't know anymore.
While I do want to make fun of how unsanctioned this match really is, I actually appreciate the effort to keep the illusion of a brand split intact. The match itself? Eh, it was alright. I guess "making him understand" means clobbering him with fists or something. Reigns did get the last laugh by nailing the best closing line: "Get yourself one of these, then we'll talk on Sunday." Yeah, Drew, how about you win your match first before you interrupt the Tribal Chief?
Let me just dedicate this paragraph to celebrate the end of the Seth Rollins vs. Rey Mysterio rivalry. Fucking finally! I never cared about this storyline and I'm glad much of this feud happened in the midst of my wrestling hiatus. I wish I didn't have to talk about it, but here we are. The match itself was great! Their story may have stunk for a long time, but you can always expect great things from a Rollins vs. Mysterio match. Not that botched 619 at the end, though. That one was just hilarious.
And now we're stuck with the Muprhy and Aalyah storyline. Urgh. Can we just end this love team, too? Good job giving your blessing to the 32-year-old guy dating your teenage daughter, "eyeless" Rey Mysterio. Jeez. And even if we get past the creepiness of it all, can someone at least remind Creative that you need chemistry to make a love angle work? I guess it's really hard to sell the idea of Murphy and Aalyah to us non-creepy folks.
The Final BreakDown: The key to watching SmackDown is raising your expectations a bit. And this week wasn't the SmackDown I expected. It did start with a great opening segment, but nothing really stood out from there. Rey Mysterio vs. Seth Rollins was fun and all, but it's so predictable and my eyes hurt from rolling my eyes too far. Drew McIntyre and Roman Reigns did make me laugh by how the villain made more sense than the hero himself. Great stuff.
Show Grade: C+
BreakDown CutDown
- Chelsea Green suffered a broken wrist in her SmackDown debut this week. We wish Chelsea Green a speedy recovery. I would try to comment on Green's misfortunes, but Matt Cardona said it best in his recent tweet. Man, she can't catch a break, can she?
- Are you loving Apollo Crews' return as the perennial jobber? I really thought they were finally going to treat Crews better this time around. I guess his new normal is the old normal.
- I would totally take Carmella seriously if she didn't use the X-Factor as her new finisher. You sure other cooler moves aren't available?
- Otis vs. Dolph Ziggler was a WrestleMania rematch? Yikes. Feels like a long damn time ago. Remember when Otis was Mr. MITB? Good times.
- What's the deal with Big E hustling randos backstage? Is this the solo push that broke up New Day? Is this it? Jesus wept.
- I support Zelina Vega. Please don't fire me, Smark Henry.
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