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    Thursday, October 31, 2019

    The Smark Henry RAW Review (10/28/19): Rusex Day

    Paige here is showing you guys my own reaction at the end of this week's RAW. For an hour or two, I was at a loss for words to explain why this week's RAW went off the air with that storyline. I just can't find a good spin for it. Was it just me? Was I the only one who couldn't stomach that blatant crap of a feud they're trying to force-feed us? Do some of you actually enjoy this bullshit? Feel free to let me know because I really, really want to understand why this whole thing is still here when I'm not getting my Bray Wyatt/The Fiend Universal Championship reign. He better win at Crown Jewel. He probably won't but I had to get that out of my system. Sigh. 

    Yep. This week's main event featured the depressingly devolving Rusev/Lana/Lashley storyline, with the real-life husband and wife pair appearing in a King's Court segment to figure out whether divorce was the only way to finally end this crap. It's a bit on-the-nose to have Jerry "The King" Lawler mediate this, considering he has been divorced a couple of times. So, basically, Divorce Court with the Divorce Expert.

    Lana's initial explanation of why she wanted to split with Rusev was because he wanted too much sex? Uhh, okay, TMI. Rusev replying to that with a mustached face and the line "Can you blame me?" made me sigh audibly and at the same punch my soul in its spectral dick. Also, if Lana didn't like having too much sex, why the hell is Bobby Lashley in the picture? wWy the hell do they keep eating each other's faces off like they're having or going to have too much sex? And why would Rusev cheat on her if he wanted to put a baby in her? Why the hell am I even asking these dumb questions?

    Rusev wanted to put a baby in her? Rusev wanted to ruin her modeling career? Rusev cheated on her according to the guy she's swapping spits with? Just pick one obviously awful lie, Lana! Make up your mind! Thankfully, this whole dumb segment was interrupted by Lashley, who brawled with Rusev. Finally. Some actual action—oh, god, Rusev just got kicked in the nuts. Or more inappropriately, in his Crown Jewels. The show finally ended with Lana and Lashley tongue-wrestling on top of Rusev's busted babymaker—that's for trying to put a baby in her, Ru-Ru—while some guy screamed from the crowd: "This is weird." Yep. This is really, unnecessarily weird.

    Paige hasn't been on RAW for quite a while now, so to see her back and opening the show was a bittersweet feeling for me. I've always been a fan of Paige even before the thing, especially before the thing and in spite of the thing—you know what the thing is, you pervs—so I'm always happy to see her. 

    With the Kabuki Warriors now a heel team, however, Paige's colonial control—I mean, managing of the WWE Women's Tag Team Champions was no longer going to be logical unless Paige went full heel again. Even then, however, it would be a slippery slope, as apparently, heel Kabuki Warriors are worth more money to WWE with their Japanese promos than with Paige as their in-house translator. Asuka's mist to Paige's face was, therefore, awesome, though less effective because Paige flat-out ignored the team's recent heelish antics during her promo instead of criticizing them.

    RAW Women's Champion Becky Lynch making the save for Paige reminded me of their Team PCB days (or if you're either a mark or a memer, their Submission Sorority days lmao). I almost forgot about the scheduled Becky versus Kairi Sane match because this week has been pretty stressful for me. 

    That said, the actual match wasn't forgettable. It was pretty decent actually, but considering the two talents involved, that shouldn't have been surprising. WWE's booking of Kairi Sane hasn't been as good as she deserves, though, so that's most likely the thing to blame. I'm now looking forward to seeing them extend this feud to Crown Jew—welp. 

    Humberto Carillo losing to AJ Styles was expected. It's not that Carillo isn't a good athlete. It's just that he's relatively new to the show. However, he is charismatic enough to not have these losses affect his character. It's not like he's been losing to randos, too. Last week, he lost to the Universal Champion. This week? The United States Champion. It's actually a pretty good rub to his otherwise neophyte character. 

    Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows' inevitable attempt to deal Carillo a post-match beatdown was thwarted by the Street Profits, who cut an expectedly awesome in-ring promo earlier in the night, though their chanting of the same catchphrase over and over again while obnoxiously jumping around to their own music made me go "ugh." I wouldn't be against seeing this six-man feud develop over time on RAW since all the talents involved are pretty fun to watch.

    RAW REVIEW: If this episode had a one-word title, it would've been "frustrating." While we're getting some great in-ring action as RAW's new roster is being steadily set up, the matches continue to lack stakes and the Rusev/Lana/Lashley bullshit is too infuriating to move past from. The bad basically outweighed the good here. I'm giving this week's RAW a C for "Crown Jew—welp."  

    Quick Hitters:

    • Buddy Murphy taking out R-Truth was a foregone conclusion. So are the 24/7 shenanigans plaguing anything R-Truth does or will ever do. 
    • When will the AOP get off their chairs and shed their suits and wreak havoc back in the ring? I miss their brand of carnage. 
    • Drew McIntyre and Ricochet fought each other again because Team Hogan versus Team Flair is a thing for Crown Jewel. This was actually a better match compared to their other outing from before, with Ricochet's efforts to take the massive McIntyre off his feet and eventual comeback the clear fun bits. Randy Orton ended up taking out Ricochet with an RKO from outtanowhere because Crown Jewel. Interestingly, Flair's heels are working together better than Hogan's faces, who just keep letting Ricochet get mauled by their adversaries. What dicks.
    • RAW Tag Team Champions The Viking Raiders should be doing other things to emphasize them as champions, not squashing two unknowns wearing Chicago Cubs gear for cheap pops.
    • Sin Cara and Andrade also fought each other again, but this time, Sin Cara brought out a luchadora in his corner to nullify Zelina Vega's presence. Unfortunately, while the luchadora did end up dropping Zelina, Andrade still managed to cheat his way to victory using the girl-on-girl action as a distraction. I thought the luchadora's addition was a pleasant development in this feud and I can't wait for her and Zelina to throw down at Crown Jew—walked into that one.
    • Charlotte, who is apparently a full-time babyface now, teamed up with Natalya because blondes. I'm just memeing, though: Charlotte and Nattie, aside from being blondes, are actually, technically submission specialists with the blood of legends flowing through their veins, so this team-up was actually more than surface level. I think. I wasn't a fan of them beating the IIconics, however, because the IIconics are former WWE Women's Tag Team Champions, but then again, Charlotte and Natalya could use this victory to challenge the Kabuki Warriors... hopefully in a losing effort. I just can't trust Vince with blondes these days.
    • WWE Universal Champion Seth Rollins duked it out with former Wyatt Family member Erick Rowan in a match that had the same stipulation as Rollins' match against The Fiend this upcoming Crown Jewel. The merch table spot was fun, though, I can't lie: That whole thing, especially with the onlookers, reminded me too much of the recent brawl between The Inner Circle and Cody Rhodes and Friends. Rowan getting pinned by two Curbstomps and a forklift was a good way to protect Rowan who has been built as a main event heel on SmackDown.
    • Aleister Black returned this week with a promo. It was a good promo, but I'd rather see him Black Mass-ing people in the face.
    Images from WWE


    Jofer Serapio (@ShawarmaJoereviews WWE RAW for Smark Henry. He has been an avid professional wrestling fan since grade school. These reviews are as close to professional wrestling as he can get. According to him, Kevin Owens is his best friend in the whole wide world. I should've stopped watching this week's RAW when Jerry Lawler appeared on my screen.
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    Item Reviewed: The Smark Henry RAW Review (10/28/19): Rusex Day Rating: 5 Reviewed By: Pepe Serapio
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