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    Friday, August 9, 2019

    Hey, Remember Tag Team Wrestling? SummerSlam Predictions, Please

    We already asked the perennial SummerSlam question last year so we’re going with a different route this year: Where are the tag teams?! Don’t tell us WWE is going to cram every team into the pre-show? It’s a question that still baffles everyone at the Smark Henry offices to this day.

    Anyway, the show must go on so we’re letting our two weekly reviewers duke it out once again in a battle of predictions and insights. Representing RAW is none other than the guy who loves Kevin Owens more than Kevin loves his family, it’s Jofer Serapio! And on the other end is the guy who loves putting himself over with horrible monikers, SmackDown Live scribe Ricky Publico!

    You know the drill: ten matches, two perspectives, one action-packed PPV. Who will end up calling the future? Let’s find out. 

    WWE Universal Championship Match: Seth Rollins vs. Brock Lesnar (c) (w/ Paul Heyman)

    Jofer: Brock Lesnar. Paul Heyman is in-charge of RAW. Seth Rollins does not seem like a Paul Heyman guy. Brock Lesnar is a Paul Heyman guy. They just brought Brock Lesnar back. I’m not going to be all idealistic about this: All signs point to Brock Lesnar retaining, much to my dismay. 

    Ricky: Brock Lesnar. The only possible outcome is for Lesnar to go over because Rollins winning at this point will be the biggest stretch of the year. If ever he wins with all the supposed injuries he has sustained at the hands of the Beast, fans would just roll their eyes over. Sorry folks, we’re getting one more year of Brock Lesnar as champion. I’m sure you’re all used to it.

    WWE Championship Match: Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston (c)

    Ricky: Kofi Kingston. The hottest storyline today deserved a better buildup than what we got. But the point remains, these two will have the Match of the Night. It will have the most action, emotion, callbacks to the “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” moment, and ultimately vindication for the WWE Champion. This match should just end the show because we all know that Brock Lesnar will only last five minutes or less. Give Kofi Kingston the main event treatment for once.

    Jofer: Kofi Kingston. As of this time, there's less momentum for Randy Orton to win the title and more momentum for Kofi Kingston to retain. According to WWE, they've been building this feud for a long time, especially around Randy calling Kofi stupid and viewing him as unworthy to be champion. If Randy wins, all that build-up would be for nothing, if only less impactful than Kofi retaining and proving Randy wrong all these years.

    Submission Match for the RAW Women’s Championship: Natalya vs. Becky Lynch (c)

    Jofer: Becky Lynch. This could be a really great submission match but Becky’s definitely winning this, no doubt. Although I’ve always had a special place in my heart for Natalya, I just don’t see her stopping Becky’s momentum. She’ll be a great detour—a defining measure of Becky’s reign—but Nattie just can’t be the woman to end Lynch’s reign.

    Ricky: Becky Lynch. Am I the only one annoyed about how this rivalry turned out? One moment they were exchanging fire promos left and right, now they’re teasing a supposed double turn thanks to Natalya “finding her edge” for the 43rd time. Here’s hoping that they redeem themselves after this match, even when they’re dropping way too many hints that they plan on recreating that iconic Bret Hart vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin match.

    Kevin Owens vs. Shane McMahon: If Kevin Owens Loses, He Quits WWE

    Ricky: Kevin Owens. Please, Kevin, save us from these weekly Shane McMahon distractions. I’d be your best friend too if you succeed in your mission. Let’s end Shane's heel run once and for all so we can give more airtime to deserving talent like Apollo Crews, Buddy Murphy, Ali, Liv Morgan, Asuka, AOP, Kairi Sa… goddamnit, where are you taking me this time?

    Jofer: Kevin Owens. If you thought I wouldn’t choose my best friend in the whole wide world, Kevin Owens, to beat up Shane McMahon even with his privileged rich kid rule-bending powers and lackey Elias skulking around at ringside, then you’re sorely mistaken. Shane might’ve beaten The Miz in all their PPV matches and even Roman Reigns in that one PPV I didn’t like, but it’s time for Kevin to put this buttface in his place. This also serves as a pretty good way to start keeping Shane off TV for a while.

    Trish Stratus vs. Charlotte Flair

    Ricky: Charlotte Flair. Somehow, their strong back-to-back promos hypnotized me into liking this match. I’m still doubtful Trish Stratus will shake her ring rust off, but as you’ve seen in the past, I’m almost always wrong about things. Flair vs. Stratus could very well be a historic SummerSlam match. The women’s division rarely gets chances like this where a legend goes up against the best of the current generation. We might as well enjoy it before it’s gone.

    Jofer: Charlotte Flair. Trish Stratus isn’t gaining anything from winning this match nor is she losing anything. She’s a Hall of Famer, a Legend, and she really doesn’t even have a reason to be in this match, if only to keep Flair busy while out of the title picture. This is simply a match to cement Flair as the top woman on SmackDown Live, especially if she wins clean.

    Goldberg vs. Dolph Ziggler

    Jofer: Goldberg. Dolph is an interesting case in that he should be winning more matches but for some reason, WWE seems to think otherwise. Goldberg had that gold-awful match at that nostalgia PPV that didn’t sit well with a lot of people and this may be his way of redeeming himself. Why? I don’t know why. I don’t even really care about Goldberg anymore since Drew McIntyre got ripped; but Goldberg still draws more money than Dolph, apparently, so this’ll be a case of nostalgia and capitalism over sheer talent. Boo.

    Ricky: Goldberg. Let me spoil the match for you. The bell rings, Goldberg Spear, Jackhammer, 1, 2, 3. Done. Easy, peasy, lemon squeezy. Goldberg gets paid, Dolph Ziggler fades into obscurity for the nth time.

    Finn Bálor vs. “The Fiend” Bray Wyatt

    Jofer: “The Fiend” Bray Wyatt. Simply because this is The Fiend’s first match and logic dictates he should win this in order to get a good start as a fearsome heel. Also, there have been reports of Finn wanting to take some time off (sorry, The OC!) and he hasn’t been advertised to be wearing face paint in this match, so it’ll be cool for him to lose to The Fiend. This could simply be the start of a long-term feud between The Fiend and The Demon, who hopefully won’t be made to look like a pumpkin like last time. 

    Ricky: Bray Wyatt. What he said. 

    SmackDown Women’s Championship Match: Ember Moon vs. Bayley (c)

    Ricky: Bayley. While a title change does sound interesting, I’m still not done seeing Bayley as this badass champion. Ember Moon is great, but she just doesn’t have that "it" factor yet. Maybe build her up some more and involve her in compelling storylines so we can get to know her as a character. Besides, I’m pretty sure they’re reserving Bayley for an eventual clash with a certain Boss. I feel like I say this all the time that I probably already jinxed it.   

    Jofer: Ember Moon. This is the only title change I can see from this show and it might be the only option. Ember’s a superb athlete and a run with the title would be pretty interesting to watch. So far, Bayley’s run, in my most honest opinion, has been a bit disappointing mostly because there hasn’t been an interesting story here. Ember taking the title off of Bayley also seems to have the least consequences compared to the other possible title changes.

    WWE United States Championship Match: Ricochet vs. AJ Styles (c)

    Jofer: "The Phenomenal" AJ Styles. The OC (still a terrible name) deserves more momentum now that Luke Gallows is once again allowed to wear paint over his face, so keeping the title on AJ should be the best option. That said, this is going to be a pretty good match, so in the end, it’s the fans who’ll win. When is Finn Balor joining The OC, though? Adam Cole? T-t-t-t-the OC! F-f-for life! 

    Ricky: AJ Styles, no doubt. I’m really glad I’m not alone in the “OC is a bad name” camp. That’s really what’s holding this stable back. They need a better name to instill fear into the hearts of the WWE Universe. Anyway, I digress. Styles will obviously win this, either via shenanigans or a good, clean win. The OC needs to keep winning big matches like this no matter what. Ricochet’s a cool dude. He can handle a loss here.

    WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match: Oney Lorcan vs. Drew Gulak (c)

    Jofer: Drew Gulak. As much as I love the manliest man, Oney Lorcan, I think it’s just too early for Drew to lose the title. It’s so early, in fact, that while drafting this piece, Ricky and I both mistakenly thought that Tony Nese was still champion. Sorry, Drew, but Gu-luck in your match. Get it? I’ll show myself out.

    Ricky: Drew Gulak. Yeah, Jofer. Your joke was bad and you should feel bad. Anyway, blame me for forgetting about Drew Gulak being champion. I don’t mean to insult him and his fans, so I’m automatically giving him my vote as an apology. I guess I should really watch more 205 Live to further compensate for my Gu-lack of knowledge about the Cruiserweight division. Get it? Fine, I can show myself out, too. You don't have to drag me.

    Wow, that did not end well. Regardless, these two horrible people have laid out their SummerSlam predictions. Did they get it right? Or did they screw up the landing just like their awful puns? Let’s keep the ball rolling down at the comments. 

    Photos from WWE.com


    Ricky Publico (@Peepomania) is Smark Henry's resident SmackDown Live reviewer... for better or worse. He also nitpicks PWR shows when no one's available to do so. A known lover of wrestling tournaments, he's a sucker for well-executed promos and fast-paced matches. He has yet to learn how to operate a microwave. Don't judge him.

    Jofer Serapio (@ShawarmaJoe) reviews WWE RAW & NXT UK for Smark Henry. He has been an avid professional wrestling fan since grade school. These reviews are as close to professional wrestling as he can get. According to him, Kevin Owens is his best friend in the whole wide world. He continues to DM a fake Johnny Saint Twitter account about bringing Sheamus in for his stupid Sons of Sheamus idea.

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    Item Reviewed: Hey, Remember Tag Team Wrestling? SummerSlam Predictions, Please Rating: 5 Reviewed By: Ricky Jay Publico
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