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    Tuesday, June 5, 2018

    #ThemeSongTuesday: The Finest

    Kona Reeves' gimmick is actually working on me.

    Every time I see him on my screen, I find myself wanting to punch that smug look off his face. I think his hairdo is just a pathetic excuse for him to be able to wear a manbun. He can't even grow a complete beard, let alone a full mustache, like most Chinese men—myself included. His smile comes across as goofy, instead of breathtaking. He also sounds like a robotic druid, clearly trying to remember to hit all his cues on the mic.

    So, yes, it works because I hate him for calling himself "The Finest" when he clearly is the furthest thing from it.

    And honestly, that's probably what makes a heel gimmick like that work in 2018. If he were a really attractive guy who called himself good-looking, once you get over the arrogance, you can just accept the fact that he's stating the truth. Look at "Ravishing" Rick Rude. Yes, he gloated and bragged a lot, but you couldn't deny the fact that he was somebody you wouldn't want your girlfriend or wife to compare you to. As for Kona Reeves, the fact that nothing about him is particularly fine is what makes his gimmick heelish. I—and I'm assuming you, too—hate him because he insists on being called something which he isn't.

    The same consistency can be found in his theme song, which has got to be one of the worst themes I've heard all year.

    "Finest" maintains some Polynesian elements in the intro—a callback to his earlier themes on NXT—along with the bombastic synths that build to the drop. Once the beat kicks in, it comes in pretty abruptly, seemingly incongruent to the synths that came before it. And then once the vocalist starts rapping, I can't help but cringe because he's as lame as Kona Reeves actually is.

    I've said repeatedly on this column that CFO$ always drops the ball on the rap themes they produce because more often than not, they get a white rapper to spit bars they don't necessarily have. Not only do they sound square, they also sound so contrived that they sound like Andy Samberg and Jorma Taccone trying to be edgelords.

    That's exactly what we hear on "Finest"—a white rapper who tries to get his swag on but looks like a chump from the opening bar. Take a look at these... "fine" lyrics:

    Nobody told you? 
    I'm the finest 
    You don't respect me 
    You're just mindless 
    Everything I touch 
    Becomes timeless 
    Oh now I want the gold and the diamonds 

    Nobody told you? 
    I'm the finest 
    You don't respect me 
    You're just spineless 
    Everything I touch 
    Becomes timeless 
    Oh yeah I want the gold and the diamonds 

    The finer things 
    I want the finest things 
    Give me the finest things like… 

    10 milli mansion on a hilltop 
    Helipad on the roof 
    Gold rollie ice and I'm still hot 
    Kona Reeves is the truth 

    The finer things 
    I want the finest things 
    Give me the finest things like… 

    Only wagyu on the menu 
    Gold flakes on the top 
    If it's not fine I'mma tell you 
    Kona Reeves don't stop

    First of all, I can live with "finest," "mindless," and "timeless" being made to rhyme. But "diamonds???" That was quite the stretch. Jeez. Every other rhyme in the song's lyrics is basic, or below-average at best. Seriously, a 7th-grader in the Philippines can write better rhymes than this shit.

    And the verses, jeez. Way to phone it in, CFO$. You're supposed to be producing a theme song telling us why Kona Reeves is the finest and you couldn't do better than telling us about a hilltop mansion, a helipad, jewels, wagyu beef, and gold flakes?! Seriously, for a man with supposedly fine tastes, couldn't CFO$ be bothered to produce at least two more verses telling us how lavish this asshole's lifestyle is? I mean, you can repeat those verses all you want, but you're not impressing me with that shit.

    Whoever wrote this, just stop. Drop the mic, bro. Drop the pen, bro. Wait, you know what, I'll let Survivor: Ghost Island winner Wendell Holland do the chastising for me.

    I'd tell the jabronis doing the second vocals to stop it, too. They didn't add value at all.

    I don't know if CFO$ was even having fun while they were writing and producing this shitty theme. Or is this also an elaborate rib, like how Kona Reeves knows he isn't anywhere close to being the finest among the men and women of NXT? I give up.

    This theme sucks. Stay the fuck away.

    Header image taken as a screenshot from WWE NXT

    Stan Sy (@_StanSy) is the Editor at Large of Smark Henry, and is also a radio DJ on Wave 89.1, an events host, a freelance writer, and one of the hosts of The Smark Gilas-Pilipinas Podcast. He also used to be one of the hosts and writers of The Wrestling Gods on FOX. He enjoys watching WWE, NXTLucha Underground, and the occasional New Japan match. You can ask him questions about wrestling, Survivor (yes, the reality show), or whatever you like on his CuriousCat account.

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    Item Reviewed: #ThemeSongTuesday: The Finest Rating: 5 Reviewed By: Stan Sy
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