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    Friday, April 8, 2016

    #FinisherFriday (4/8/16): The Worst Finishers In Wrestling History

    Finishers are among the best things about wrestling. There's nothing quite as great as seeing Shawn Michaels warming up the band for Sweet Chin Music, Randy Orton stalking his prey for an RKO, or Roman Reigns building up a head of steam as he prepares to slice someone in half with his Spear.

    In fact, you know what's a pretty darn great finisher? This one.

    Yup, finishers are the best. Except when they're the worst.

    Our friends at r/SquaredCircle have a thread compiling some of the most historically bad finishing moves in all of pro wrestling, just to prove a point: In a world where the law of averages always gets us in the end, for every crowd-popping Stone Cold Stunner or Helluva Kick we mark out over, there will always be a steaming pile of turd right around the bend.

    We've chosen ten of the most painful examples for your reading pleasure horror. Better get your barf bags ready, Henrinites, because this is gonna get ugly.


    1. Eva Marie's Sliding Reverse STO

    Eva Marie has never been famous for her in-ring prowess; heck, that's her whole gimmick. But while she's moved on to other finishing moves, we're never going to forget this gag-inducing variant on the reverse STO.


    When even falling on her back looks clumsy and awkward, there's really not much else ol' Red could have done to save this move.

    2. Solomon Crowe's Pendulum Splash

    Splashes from big men are painful. Momentum from bouncing off the ropes gives splashes more force. So why does Solomon Crowe's little attempt at mixing the power of physics with pro wrestling suck so bad?

    It's not a terrible move, per se. But as a finisher? We hope Mr. Crowe does some intensive soul searching and remembers some great ones he used to do, like his old headlock driver and the Stretch Muffler.

    3. Road Dogg's Humphandle Slam

    This move isn't much worse than any other basic slam finisher, delivering roughly as much force to its receiver as, say, Jack Swagger's falling powerbomb or John Cena's Attitude Adjustment.

    It's the theatrics preceding the move that bother us.

    We get it though. It isn't the slam itself that knocks the wind out of an opponent for the three count, but the emotional shock of knowing he just got anally violated on live television.

    4. Kizarny's Tallulah Belle

    We've seen a lot of amazing double-arm DDTs in wrestling from such men as Mick Foley, Drew Galloway, or Dean Ambrose. At its core, it's a vicious move that locks an opponent's arms away, preventing him from protecting his skull and neck from the sheer drop that follows. And then, there's Kizarny's version.

    We're not quite sure whether he's a masochist trying to get himself spinebustered, or if he enjoys being mounted in all the wrong ways by large sweaty men, but the landing position just makes us slightly uncomfortable. If only he didn't linger.

    5. Bastion Booger's Trip to the Batcave

    We don't know how much money a preliminary wrestler back in early-90s WWF would get, but whatever it was, it wasn't enough to pay for the trauma of getting teabagged by a pasty, obese, hairy superheavyweight who never seemed to get his tights cleaned.

    If there was ever a good reason not to try wrestling at home, this is probably it. Let's just hope Mr. Booger remembered to soap well.

    6. The Shockmaster's Squeeze Slam

    Conceptually, this should have been a great move. A 350-pound man locking his opponent in a bearhug before transitioning into a spinebuster? Sounds legit. That is, until you see the Shockmaster—a man who's never been famous for graceful chain wrestling—actually put it into practice.

    Someone please explain why ol' Shocky felt the need to drop onto his knees first before slamming his opponent. We're all for suspending disbelief, but some moves are just too baffling to justify.

    7. Sgt. Slaughter's Atomic Noogie

    1980s-era Sgt. Slaughter was great. His patented Cobra Clutch was always great for a pop. Even when he went heel, siding with General Adnan and the Iron Sheik as he turned his back on America, the glee he put into his Camel Clutch made the move look extra vicious. That's why we can't figure out why he threw all his great repertoire of moves out the window for a move even an 8-year-old schoolyard bully could do: the noogie.

    We're not denying that this move hurts like fuck. We just wish this much-respected Hall of Famer could have tried harder.

    8. The Red Rooster's Rooster Wing

    Terry Taylor was a great technical wrestler; in fact, he was rumored to have been the supposed recipient of the "Mr. Perfect" gimmick that eventually went to Curt Hennig. The dude could wrestling rings around his opponent. So we're baffled that he would have chosen such an awkward finisher to go with his already-humiliating Red Rooster gimmick.

    It's sad when his red-painted mohawk wasn't even the worst part of his gimmick.

    9. Big Vito's Dress Code

    Before Rederick Mahaba burst into our world with his own unique brand of love, Vito was showing us the original #Crotch2Faces finishing move with this utterly repugnant submission hold.

    This hammerlock variant was actually pretty sweet; it's the unnecessary action going on under the hood that bugs us. Let's just hope for everyone's sakes that Vito remembered to put his knickers on that day.

    10. Futoshi Miwa's Steamroller

    Big man wrestlers are expected to throw their weight around when they get into the ring; that's the whole point, after all, of being a super heavyweight. We love it when Yokozuna would splatter his opponent all over the mat with his Banzai Drop, or when Vader would take to the air for a 450-pound moonsault. This steamroller, on the other hand, is just inexplicable.

    Honestly, when your finishing move looks like it came straight of the Kama Sutra, you probably should hang up your suspenders for good. What a waste of good ring time.


    What do you think of these ten finishing moves, Henrinites? Got any examples that you think stink even more than this selection? Let us know in the comments section below!
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    Item Reviewed: #FinisherFriday (4/8/16): The Worst Finishers In Wrestling History Rating: 5 Reviewed By: Unknown
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