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    Wednesday, February 10, 2016

    #WTFWednesday: The Daniel Bryan Crash Course Guide for Noobs

    What? You just heard that Daniel Bryan just announced his retirement from your wrestling-obsessed friend? Apparently, he's a very big deal. Time to go show people that you give a damn about him hanging up his wrestling pek-pek shorts. Of course, you can't just go around sharing a link. You also can't just add in "Daniel Bryan just retired :(((".

    Not cool, bro.

    Fret not, fellow noob. After researching about my new idol, "D-Bry", all hour long, I've come up with just the thing to make your "smark" (use this term liberally) friends believe you've followed his career even before his beard was born. And that brings us to:

    1) Daniel Bryan Is All About POSITIVITY!!!

    Life's got you down? Team's trailing by 20 points? Need that solid rallying cry for the whole world to see?

    Just raise your arms, pump it like it's hot, and SHOUT YES! YES! YES!

    You can substitute cats for the belts. People love cats.

    If you bust out that move in the presence of your "smark" (see how I used it again?) friends, 45% will join in, and 45% will accept you into their prowrestling subcultures. The last 10% will be found crying deeply in the corner. You know what you need to do to cheer him up.

    2) He Has Won ALL The Titles. Like For Realsies.

    I just rechecked Wikipedia, and holy crap, this guy has won so many championships in so many different companies that are not called WWE. I never knew there were that many other wrestling groups. Wow, he must really be a big deal then. Shiiiiit, he even won the PETA Vegan Athlete of the Year? That's a weird sounding championship belt. Man, Japan is definitely weird. Anyhoo, thanks to his successful ways, I've developed the perfect algorithm in case people start talking about his accomplishments:

    Our "Brock Lesnar Move Generator" formula was much simpler

    This formula is best used on fans with your own level of D-Bry knowledge, as it places the burden of proof on them instead of you. With a straight enough face and the right amount of condescension in your voice, you can fool just about anyone! "What, you didn't know my boy D-Bry used to be the ZBW Inter-Species Heavyweight Champion back in '08? What a mark." (Remember to have variety in your wrestling lingo)

    3) He Has A Majestic-Looking Beard. Hipsters Will hate/dig/whatever It.

    Look at this man. If you ever stumbled upon his earlier days (Of course, you won't. That's too much work) and see how he looks now, you'll see that he has an autumn's rainforest growing where his mouth used to be. 

    And on the eighth day, Crossfit Jesus (That's his nickname, right?) declared it good and scruffy.

    I mean seriously, if he and whichever Bella he married were ever to build a home and start a family, he doesn't have to look far for property space. Chin to wall carpeting all the way. Hold two strands together and you have a crib for all the freakishly bearded babies they'll produce. And that, my friend, is how you tackle the 28-36 female demographic and the millenials at the same time.

    If you call his beard a Pokemon's evolution, you can get the entire kids' demographic too.

    4) There Are Enough D-Bry Facts To Small Talk EVERYONE.

    Conversation's getting to deep into pro-wrestling knowledge? I got you covered. Steer away the flow by busting out these certified D-Bry anecdotes. What was my favorite finisher? I can't decide, But I do know that he stopped a burglar once by chasing him down and choking him. What title reign did I enjoy the most? Hmmm, while I think about that, did you know that Bryan used to be Vegan? John Cena feud? Pssssssh, my boy B. Dazzle can do it better.

    "I rap sick flows, coz I know I can do it betta
    Imma take your stanky chain. Go home, John Cena
    With my, boy Kurly Kane, It damn sure is hella
    Confusing coz me and John got a double date with the Bellas"

    Point of the matter is, don't try to scratch any deeper in the surface on D-Bry. For the time being, stick to this awesome guide and you can pretty much fake your way into letting people know you are legitimately sad about Daniel Bryan's retirement. Do we really care about him? Maybe, but to research his complete history takes too much time. By then, everybody else will already have moved on to WrestleMania.


    George Pastor writes our weekly #WTFWednesday column. He got into judo because it was the closest sport available where it was perfectly fine to slam someone without getting expelled. His girlfriend is not amused.
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    Item Reviewed: #WTFWednesday: The Daniel Bryan Crash Course Guide for Noobs Rating: 5 Reviewed By: George Carlos Pastor
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