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    Friday, February 5, 2016

    #FinisherFriday (2/5/16): Mythical Moves You'll Never See in PWR

    Welcome to another edition of Finisher Friday, your weekly dose of some of the greatest finishing maneuvers from the bombastic world of professional wrestling.

    Last week, we talked about some of our favorite finishers from the local professional wrestling scene that we couldn't wait to see at a PWR show. This week though, we're turning the tables a bit and listing out four moves you'll probably never see the stars of the Philippine Wrestling Revolution do, mainly because as far as we know, murder is a criminal offense in the Philippines.

    Here we go.

    1. Steiner Screwdriver

    Long before he became the bleached-blond, muscle-bound, raving genetic freak we all know today as Big Poppa Pump, Scott Steiner was turning heads in the pro wrestling world as an athletic marvel churning out innovative, high-athleticism moves on the regular. One of his most notorious moves was his insane sitout tombstone piledriver dropped from a vertical suplex position called the Steiner Screwdriver.

    It takes a man with world-class strength, stability, flexibility, and timing to perform a move this dangerous without giving his opponent either a broken neck or a fractured skull, and Steiner at this stage of his career was perhaps the only man in the world who could pull this off. Even today's brainbusters and cradle piledrivers pale in comparison to this fearsome move, which entails the receiver taking a six-foot sheer drop right onto the top of his head, while hoping a stray bead of sweat doesn't alter Steiner's grip. The margin of error is incredibly slim, and the likelihood of a kick-out is even slimmer. In fact, statistics say that every time Steiner uses this move, he has a 141 2/3% chance of winning the match.

    We'd love to see a powerhouse PWR talent like Main Maxx give this move a test drive, except that we don't think anyone else on the roster would be willing to take it.

    2. Burning Hammer

    In the world of dangerous moves, perhaps none are as infamous as the Burning Hammer, a move so notorious that its inventor, the legendary Kenta Kobashi, would only bust it out in the most absolutely high-stakes life-or-death battles.

    We don't blame him. It's one thing to want to beat your opponent, but another altogether to want to potentially paralyze him with a move that drops all of his bodyweight onto his neck in a manner that allows nearly zero distribution of force across the rest of his body, or a means for him to control his momentum. This is just painful to watch, with the opponent's body just accordioning from the angle of the drop.

    The Apocalypse is someone who we think would be happy to adopt this move as an alternate for his Death Bell over-the-shoulder piledriver. Perhaps his unsuccessful challenge for Ralph Imabayashi's PWR Championship at PWR Live: Road to Vendetta would have ended up differently if he'd had this to counter Imabayashi's Super Sonic Crusher. Maybe next time.

    3. Vertebreaker

    Quick survey: how many of you like your necks just fine the way they are? All of you? Well, tough titty, cos this next move is one that's absolutely filthy when it comes to chiropractic care.

    Back in WCW, "Sugar" Shane Helms was blowing the doors off with his unique back-to-back piledriver sporting the most visceral name around, the Vertebreaker. Even though he got to polish off the move once in a while during his WWE run as The Hurricane, it's a move that didn't get as much prime time airtime as it likely deserved. And for good reason—can you imagine talents like "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Edge, or Kurt Angle, all of whom bore a long list of neck-related malaises, lining up for a trip to Broken Neck City? We didn't think so.

    The move may retain its notoriety as Homicide's Cop Killa, but we'd love to see Bombay Suarez adopt this move as the ultimate Bitch Killa. We hope Makati Medical Center has enough emergency wards open to handle all the victims of the beloved (but scary) Mr. Suarez.

    4. Kawada Driver

    The legends tell us that, just like Jake Roberts' DDT was invented by accident, Toshiaki Kawada's brutal Kawada Driver was inadvertently invented during a match against Mitsuhara Misawa, when Kawada, who had broken his forearm early on after a spinning backfist against Misawa, lost his grip on a powerbomb attempt, botching the move and dropping his opponent on his head.

    Others argue that the move may have been invented by "Ravishing" Rick Rude in a match against the Ultimate Warrior, and they may be right.

    Either way, this is a nasty move you'd have to be one fucked-up piece of humanity to even try, eschewing the relative safety of a powerbomb's full-back bump to drop another human being plumb on top of his head.

    "Classical" Bryan Leo's variant of AJ Styles' Styles Clash that he calls the Royal Flushdown is a magnificent move, but on a larger opponent, what if it accidentally gets turned into a Kawada Driver too? Leo is a legitimately strong man who reportedly deadlifts in excess of 300 pounds, but you never know what could happen in a wrestling ring. It will probably never happen, but it's nice to dream.


    What do you think, Henrinites? Do you think we'll ever see any of these moves in a PWR ring? Are there any other notorious finishers you'd love for the stars of our local wrestling industry adopt into their offensive repertoires? Let us know below!

    Until then, consider this column #FINISHED.
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