Welcome, aspiring jobber! Throughout the years, countless
nameless peons have had the pleasure of jumpstarting the careers of many famous
greats. And now you, dear reader, hold the key to being one of those many
contributing peons. This is not a job for just anyone, because only a jobber
has the true capabilities to make their opponents shine. What follows is a
short list that encapsulates the basic tenements of the Art of Jobbing. Take
these to heart, as the precious 2 minutes or less that you spend in that match
could very well mean the career of the person the company truly cares about in
the end
1) Your Intro and Character must suck balls.
Not literal balls, this is a PG company we're running, mind you. This is probably the easiest part of the
job. Almost all the details will be taken care of someone else, namely
your entrance music, your name, your attire, maybe even your haircut. (Try not
to use too much product. It shows. Trust us.) Please collect your generic ring
attire from Margarette in Costumes. You are not here to be impressive, first
and foremost. That’s for the other guy. To save time, we’ll just likely
announce you when the star gets in the ring. If you’re really nice though, we
may give you time for a bit of a mic time. Use it to say hi to your family or fans or to hype up the match.
"Mom, Dad, Dan and I have an announcement to make..."
Honestly, it doesn't matter what you say, so go crazy.
2) Brock Lesnar’s move set has more variety than
yours.
Your offense consists of, at most, 1-2
punches, a couple of weak clotheslines, maybe even a shoulder bump or two. Are
you thinking of your finisher? Rikishi can help you with planning that.
Where all jobber suggestions go.
Sincereously, when we said that the first guideline was the easiest, this was
definitely a close second. Don’t forget to stretch.
3) You must be less threatening than… well…
everything.
When we said that when the possibility of mic time arises and you could use it to hype yourself, please remember that you are still here to lose. We're not expecting people to put money on you, but its just a reminder.
"I'll let my actions do the talking"
The length of the match is dictated by the
number of signature moves your opponent has in his arsenal. Taking note of the
previous guideline, we really do not expect much offense from you. In some
cases, your opponent will not laugh at you when you ask what your contribution
to the match will be. He’s just being nice. You can break a hold or two, maybe
even get to use one of your allotted shoulder bumps. In any case, that will
pretty much be the highlight of your offense.
4) Remember to make everyone else look good.
Now this, dear jobber, is where you earn your
paycheck. Every wrestler dreams of that moment wherein they get to showcase
their skills in the grand stage. Well, son, this is your chance. Make sure your
selling is well documented. We need you to convince people that Ryback can
totally flatten out your 150lb frame.
"Bro, can you move your thigh? You're blocking my forehead."
There you have it, dear jobber. Aside from a few minor
guidelines regarding what our insurance covers or doesn’t, you should be good
to go. Always remember, you are a star in your own right. You are what makes
our Superstars super. So go out there, get your ass kicked, and break a leg.
Figuratively, of course. Legal says that’s not part of your coverage.
*****
Got any other suggestions to add to our Happy Fun Guide? Make sure to list them in the comments section below!
: The Smark Henry Happy Fun Guide to Jobbing for a New/Debuting Wrestler){kind=link}