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    Thursday, December 29, 2016

    31 Days of Wrestling (12/29/16): Joey Ryan Proves Wrestling Is Nuts

    Welcome to the 31 Days of Wrestling, ladies and gentlemen. It's that time of year again when we take a look back at the past 11 months of pro wrestling (and as much as possible, the last month as well) and cherry-pick one match a day for each day of December from a list of bouts that defined the year in our beloved sport. Most matches will be good, while some may not be; what matters is that they helped build the perception and reputation of the kind of wrestling this calendar year produced for us.

    Today, we’ll be looking at how one man relied on his penis to take him to greater heights in 2016.

    Sometimes, to be a star in pro wrestling, you need to be a bit of a dick. You have to have balls. You have to be damn well cocksure about yourself, or nobody else will. And you gotta be a bit nuts.

    ...Aaand speaking of dicks and balls and cocks and nuts, Joey Ryan took all of this advice literally, and ran with it to carve out his own little niche in 2016.

    We all remember back in late 2015 when even non-wrestling fans would suddenly post a 30-second clip on our Facebook timelines, or tag us in some grainy video of an odd moment from Japan's DDT Pro-Wrestling featuring a sleazy, hairy-chested, pornstached American gentleman flipping a gelatinous bleached blonde Japanese wrestler with his penis in an uncomfortably hilarious test of strength.

    That was the casual fan's introduction to the legend known as Joey Ryan, and one of the sport's true mainstream viral moments of last year.

    We didn't think much of it then. No way did we imagine it would still be making waves in 2016. Heck, wrestling is full of flash-in-the-pan novelty moments from such oddball promotions as CHIKARA. Once upon a time, even lower-midcard PWR wrestler Kanto Terror was king of the internet for a couple of weeks on the basis of his short-lived "Laklak"-fueled ring entrance.

    But the way Joey Ryan rode this brief flash of notoriety into a sustainable, slow-burn rise to even greater heights was, at least, something we can all respect. Because, really, at 36 years of age, the end of a wrestler's career is a lot closer than its beginning, and the dudes who last are the ones who can keep the reinvention engine going. Case in point: Danshoku Dino—the dickplex's first victim—probably isn't a measurably bigger star because of it. Joey Ryan, conversely, made it rain some serious coin with his tubesnake.

    Just look. The man nailed down a sweet, salty, sweaty sponsorship deal with YouPorn Sports, leading to his notorious dick-powered suplex being rechristened the YouPorn Plex.

    He's elevated the prehensile strength of his penis as well, first chaining it to simultaneously suplex five other opponents. Eat that, Davey Boy Smith.

    He's even used it to win a goddamn battle royal, eliminating eleven other men in one blow (heh) through pure force of will—not to mention his manly, glorious, throbbing physical assets.

    Just process that for a second: Joey Ryan's penis nearly matched Roman Reigns' 2014 Royal Rumble elimination record all by itself. 

    His move is such a big deal, women wrestlers have even had to device countermoves for it. We know you didn't ask, but here's a vajayjay-inspired counter-variant for the Joey Ryan one-eyed snake special.

    And it isn't as if he's been feasting on indie nebishes either. Even recent WWE returnee Curt Hawkins felt the wrath of the YouPorn Plex in 2016.

    Former WWE Intercontinental Champion and Bullet Club signee Cody had no choice either but to bow down to the superior might of the King of Dong Style.

    Meanwhile, he's been able to parlay his notoriety into regular TV appearances through a contract with Lucha Underground, and while he hasn't exactly been a major player to date, he at least has elevated his national presence in a way other indie favorites never really get to do. Hey, at least he's #FamousOnTheInternet, and a Google search for "Joey Ryan penis" generates over 13 million search results. Seth Rollins' junk, on the other hand, barely breaches 300,000.

    In a year where wrestling fans have been finding themselves growing increasingly cynical with all the meta-inspired booking of the Reality Era, it's good to know we can find little gems like this to remind us all that wrestling is a conspiracy we all agreed to take tongue-in-cheek. It's the suspension of disbelief that makes pro wrestling fun, and for this, we all need to raise a mighty four-inch salute (if you aren't packing some heat) to the man who kept Dong Style strong in 2016, Joey Ryan.

    Long live Joey Ryan. Long live his dick. Let's see what new heights his penis can take him to in 2017.


    31 Days of Wrestling is Smark Henry's way of celebrating the matches that helped define wrestling in 2016.

    Read our previous entries:

    #1: The Final Deletion
    #2: Finn Balor vs. Seth Rollins for the WWE Universal Championship, SummerSlam
    #3: Kazuchika Okada vs. Hiroshi Tanahashi, Wrestle Kingdom 10
    #4: Sami Zayn vs. Shinsuke Nakamura, NXT Takeover: Dallas
    #5: Main Maxx vs. Crystal for the PHX Championship, PWR Renaissance
    #6: Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte for the RAW Women's Championship, Hell in a Cell
    #7: Prince Puma vs. Rey Mysterio, Ultima Lucha Dos
    #8: AJ Styles vs. Shinsuke Nakamura for the IWGP Intercontinental Championship, Wrestle Kingdom 10
    #9: American Alpha vs. The Revival for the NXT Tag Team Championships, NXT TakeOver: Dallas
    #10: TJ Perkins and the WWE Cruiserweight Classic
    #11: One Versus All Royal Rumble Match
    #12: Kenny Omega vs Tetsuya Naito, G1 Climax Block B Finals
    #13: Sami Zayn vs. Kevin Owens, Payback
    #14: Ricochet vs. Will Ospreay, Best of the Super Juniors Tournament 2016
    #15: #DIY vs. The Revival, 2 Out Of 3 Falls Match for the NXT Tag Team Championships, NXT TakeOver: Toronto
    #16: Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg, Survivor Series
    #17: Katsuyori Shibata vs. Tomohiro Ishii for the NEVER Openweight Championship, Wrestle Kingdom 10
    #18: The Return of the Brand Split
    #19: Kota Ibushi vs. Cedric Alexander, Cruiserweight Classic
    #20: Hirooki Goto vs. Kenny Omega, G1 Climax Finals
    #21: James Freakin' Ellsworth
    #22: Brock, Punk, and their Gall to Hunt in MMA (UFC 200, 203)
    #23: Sexy Star vs. Mariposa in a No Mas Match, Lucha Underground
    #24: Chris Hero vs. Katsuyori Shibata, RPW/NJPW Global Wars
    #25: AJ Styles vs. John Cena, SummerSlam
    #26: The DDT Ironman Heavymetalweight Championship US Tour
    #27: Cody vs. Jay Lethal, Final Battle
    #28: Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz, No Mercy
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