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    Wednesday, January 20, 2016

    #WTFWednesday (1/20/16): Celebrity Smackdown: The Hosts Edition

    We've seen networks battle each other to provide the best shows that they can muster to edge out the competition. Ratings are king in their world. It's true. That's why you see them scrambling to find the best personalities that can rake in to keep their viewers tuned in. There's been Willie Revillame, Conan O'Brien, Larry King, Tito, Vic and Joey who have been at the forefront, face and center. They are who the people recognize and remember. What happens then when the ratings war gets a little more...physical?

    It's time then for...

    CELEBRITY SMACKDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    (not to be confused with MTV Celebrity Deathmatch. We're not that barbaric.)

    Here is your pioneer batch of the Primetime Wrestling Retribution:

    1) Neil deGrasse Tyson

    Nickname: N.G.T., Scientist of Swag
    Height: 6'2"
    Weight: Much less than a spoonful of dwarf star matter. (Don't worry, he'll explain it)

    Signature Move:
    Double Tidal Lock
    Moonsault to the Stars

    Background: N.G.T. skyrocketed to infamy when a meme came out in his semblance. Not too long after, viewers started to tune in for his engaging views on the intricacies of space and astrophysics. Others tuned in for his undeniable sweet sexy voice

    Tyson demonstrating the proper technique to castrate a man

     Often clashing with anti-vaxxers and anti-GMO activists, he decided enough was enough and donned his wrestling singlet. Many scoffed at the thought, not knowing that this particular spaceman was not only dropping bombs in physics, but also in the Harvard wrestling team, as its freaking captain.

    "I hypothesize that I just kicked your ass."

    Look for N.G.T. to find the perfect blend between science and smackdown as he shows you that the badass is definitely here.

    2) Joe Rogan
    Nickname: Read, silly bitches.
    Height: 5'6"
    Weight: 190lbs

    Signature Move:
    Gut Piercer
    All Natural

    "Michael Cole, who?"

    Background: As the color commentator of the UFC, he's borne witness to many of the sport's greatest fights. Add that to his extensive backgrounds in BJJ and Taekwondo, he is a wealth of knowledge when it comes to the world of combat.The man has many other talents as well, having a highly listened-to podcast, a successful stand up career, and is a product endorser for natural supplements. The man likes to talk, saw that the organization was in need of better mic performers, and packed his bags for the greatest arena of Celebrity Wrestling.

    3) Steve Harvey
    Nickname:The International Incident
    Height 6'3"
    Weight of Mustache: 10lbs

    Signature Move:
    Universal Reversal

    It takes a man with cajones the size of the Miss Universe crown to pull off an apology the way he did. Not surprisingly, he's been parading them around ever since he was born. From the poor life he lead in Cleveland, Ohio, Harvey would rise up and drag his humongous gonads and claw his way to a life worth him. With his quick wit and his gorgeous 'stache, he's made women swoon despite looking like a bald Cleveland Brown.

    After realizing how much further his testicular fortitude could stretch, he set his sights on a new target, the Primetime Wrestling Retribution.

    If it's not clear yet, I'm saying he has big balls.

    Presumably where he keeps his spare set

    4) Atom Araullo
    Nickname: (Remember to ask Zan)
    Height: 5'10"
    Weight: Unable to get an accurate description. Nurse keeps hugging him whenever weight is being taken. Presumably because he has his shirt off.

    Signature Move:
    The Atom Araullo

    (I don't get it...)

    Background: Atom Araullo captured the hearts of many of his female viewers with his hard hitting journalistic endeavors. He's braved typhoons, political rallies, and traffic accident scenes to keep us all up to date. And he makes it look easy too. Now, he's adding a wrestling career to his already impressive credentials to ensure he's not just some pretty boy on the screen. Expect female attendance to increase in PWR events thanks to him. He may seem like the youngest among the batch, but he's been honing his hosting chops around the same time he hit puberty.

    (Thanks Zan for the research help. Here you go, as promised)

    5) Kris Aquino
    Nickname: The Oprah of the Philippines
    Height: Public knowledge
    Weight: Public knowledge

    Signature Move:
    Search for Love

    Background: The woman with nothing to hide even when nobody wants to know is bringing her "talents" to the Philippine... I mean Primetime Wrestling Retribution. We still don't know who invited her, but... oh wait... You can't make me type thi....

    Kris Aquino is a bonafide wrestler with extensive training in the art of Lucha Libre Kita in search of her one true soul mate. When not spending her free time in the gym, she can be seen flying across the world living the life of a jetsetter. OMG! Along the way, she found love in the hands of Alberto, a rich and handsome Latino who tragically disappeared from the organization. Kris finds out that the only way to bring him back is to win the Lucha Basement Heavyweight title. Kilig to the max!!!! Starring Direk Ramsey, Cuco Martin, Bemby, Sarah Jeronimo and Pookie! Open in cinemas nationwide this summer!

    You can so totally buy the Kris Aquino Workout and Swimsuit Calendar edition of Kris! Magazine in bookstores nationwide! Kiliiiiiiiig!

    If you've got any other hosts who can make a splash in Primetime Wrestling Retribution, let us know in the comments section below!

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    Item Reviewed: #WTFWednesday (1/20/16): Celebrity Smackdown: The Hosts Edition Rating: 5 Reviewed By: George Carlos Pastor
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